A Mother's Heart

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished….

kellz1003 — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 02:47:43 +0000

Recently, I had an occasion to help a person I believed was a friend. Well, let me just say that I am more so now than before a believer in the saying that no good deed goes unpunished. I thought I was doing the right thing. I offered to help and even opened our home. In return all I got was a nightmare that I am still trying desperately to wake up from. I will say, though, that karma is a BITCH and I know who will draw the short straw when it comes to karma…won’t be me.

I wasn’t the only person hurt in her escapades. My children were effected, my beliefs and doubts in people were reaffirmed and another person who was truly innocent, sweet and undeserving of the treatment they received from her was hurt deeply as well. It has come to light that this person has lost all capability of telling the truth. Everything they have said for months is a lie. My trust in people just plummeted. It is hard for me to trust people anyway, it is my nature and my training in my chosen career path, so having this happen just reaffirms that trust is earned and now people will have to work a little harder to get mine.

I have found that there are those among us that feel friends are disposable. I feel sorry for them as true friends are truly hard to come by. There are not many people out there who would open their home and basically support a “friend” for the hell of it. I thought I was helping a friend..but I was disposable…just like the trash. Must be nice to have so many friends who will reach out to help that you can throw them out when you are done.

I guess there are lessons learned. Sadly, I had to get hurt in the process. Well, more angry than hurt but I will take this lesson and move forward with my lie, my goals, and my family.

I hate this feeling that I have. I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel like my generosity was taken for granted and that I was never appreciated. I am just not the kind of person who expects much from other people but at the same time, if I am able to, I will do all to help a friend in need. I am hurt, angry and a barrel full of other emotions.

Que sera, sera…

Walking Down Another Difficult Road

kellz1003 — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 03:14:51 +0000

Recently I have been struggling with a variety of things. About a month ago, I was feeling a bit run down and went to the doctors. Several hours later I found out that I had a UTI which stemmed up into my kidneys, and a multitude of kidney stones including one lodged in my ureter on each side. Thankfully, all the stones are small and I am passing them. Less than a week into the antibiotics for that, I develop a serious sinus infection and bronchitis. So I finished the one antibiotic and began a second one. Now, more than 3 weeks into the ordeal, I was still sick…It has been over a month and I still have a slight case of the sniffles and a mild cough.

The kidney stones are especially scary for me. Last December I was in and out of the hospital with massive stones. I had a single stone that was 4x8x3mm. For those unfamiliar with stones, that is absolutely massive. A solid 5mm is as big as they will allow you to pass on your own. Bigger than that requires surgery. I had that one and 2 others which were bigger. I initially went to the local ER very sick and they mis-measured it thinking it was only 4mm. They sent me home and within a few days I was developing sepsis and back in the hospital, albeit a better hospital. I was admitted, had a surgery to correct the sepsis (which can be deadly), then about a week or 2 later had the stones blasted and removed. When the doctor told me I had stones (plural) I was immediately VERY frightened. So far so good, though and I am going to go back next week to make sure the stones are making their way out and all is well.

My Daddy

kellz1003 — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:06:50 +0000

I may be in my thirties but my daddy will always be my daddy. I am heartbroken often because there are 1200 miles between us and I am not able to see him whenever I want to. Yesterday was Father’s day and I was happy to be with my husband and sons, but was sad at the same time because I missed my daddy. I am the oldest of 3 girls (for dad) and I adore my step-mom too. I am the only daughter who has had children and I know it kills them to be so far away too.

I got to talk to Daddy yesterday and was happy for that. I love my dad for so many different reasons. He is OCD to the max and has passed it to all of us and I even see it in my boys. Riley especially. He is my cleaner and while he as a blast making a mess, he is the first to get the vacuum and attempt to clean the mess. The vacuum is still a good 5 inches taller than Ry so it is funny to watch.

My dad is a neat freak…hence the OCD. I am probably the one who is least like my dad in that respect as I allow for things to sit for more than 5 minutes. My dad is ALWAYS there for me even though he has been 1200 for nearly 14 years. My parents were divorced when I was very young and regardless, my dad was there EVERY weekend, EVERY holiday and every ballet recital. He calls regularly and is learning to video chat now too..LOL. They spoil my children and usually try to help me with expenses to get home at least once a year. The past 2 years, I have been fortunate enough to get home twice each year. My dad taught me to drive a standard, he taught me to roller skate, ice skate, ride a bike, deal with heartache, and hold my head high no matter what. My Dad has taught me to respect myself, and love deeper and love is forever and family is too. My daddy, still to this day, when I go home for visits, will fold all my laundry along with the boys laundry,make the bed while I am in the shower, pick up toys before I can return from the restroom, and wash every dish before most are done eating. He is up early and to bed late, he prays for us and with us and has been my rock for so long. My boys adore their grandpa and I adore seeing them bond.

My dad has done so much for me, and now he still does and also does things for my boys. There are not enough words to express how much I love my Daddy and miss him every day. Thank you dad for absolutely everything, I will never be able to say it enough.

Christmas 2010

kellz1003 — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 21:24:17 +0000

I have to admit that I was not looking forward to Christmas this year. The last few years it has become progressivly harder to provide a good Christmas for our family. Last year I had some medical issues around Christmas and this year was a thousand times worse. I was told 3 weeks prior to Christmas that I had 3 massive kidney stones and that I needed surgery, 2 to be exact. One to undo damage already started from the stones and another to remove the stones.

Bill has been the provider for as long as we have been together and for the last few months, he has been unemployeed. Thanks to a wonderful friend and our family, our kids had a wonderful Christmas despite that. They opened presents as usual and got most of what they wanted. I am still feeling a bit under the weather but am fighting to get better as fast as I can. I am hopeful that as we enter a new year, I will be healthy, my family will be healthy and Bill and I will secure new employment. We have both had some promising interviews and are waiting to hear back.

For the first time in a long time, Bill was able to have all 4 of his children with him on Christmas day.

This is our first and only family photo with all 4 children. We were also able to capture a few other photos that have not had in quite some time which was a photo pf all of the Clark grandchildren. There are now 12 and the last time this photo was attempted, Cameron was 2.

All 12 Clark grandchildren

Despite not feeling 100% I enjoyed the holidays and was able to see the joy on my childrens faces. I am so grateful for good friends and family that have been able to help us through these tough times.
Merry Christmas and God Bless!

Standing in need of Prayer

kellz1003 — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 03:55:56 +0000

2010 has been a very difficult year for me and my family. In late January I lost a baby, over the summer I endured a separation from my husband (who I am very happy to have home), I moved to a home half the size and twice the distance and now I have fallen quite ill. On top of this, I graduated from college and Bill has been out of work for months. Needless to say, we do not have insurance.

My illness…On Monday the 6th of December I was vomiting and feeling horrible pain in my abdomen. I went to Putnam hospital( don’t start…I know) and was told I had a 4mm kidney stone in my left kidney and to go home and it would pass on its own. By Friday the 10th, (Riley’s birthday) I was in terrible pain again despite the medicine to help so I drove myself to Flagler hospital (which I LOVE) and they repeated all the tests…THANK GOD! As it turns out I have many stones. The 4mm that Putnam saw is in actuality 4x8mm which is HUGE as I am told. I also have another that is 5×3 and yet another that is 8mm all by itself.

The pain I was feeling Friday the 10th was due to the beginnings of a blockage called hydrohresis so I was admitted and taken to surgery to have a stent placed to allow better flow. I will be having another surgery the beginning of next week to have the stones broken into manageable sizes so that they can be removed or I can pass them on my own.

The good news and the bad….

The good news is that I have been blessed with an awesome urologist. He is a very cool person and cares about people…not the almighty dollar. The bad news is that he is not a medicaid provider and that is all I have. His staff and the doctor himself have told me not to worry and they are treating me one way or another. They said “the money is nice, it pays the bills but this is serious and Dr. Epsteine wants me healthy.” In reality, these stones could try to pass and get lodged and eventually kill me from sepsis or kidney failure. Needless to say, I am scared to death. But I am happy to have a doctor who wants to help regardless of the fact I cannot pay. In reality, I would rather have a bill to pay on or even have bill collectors than face death because of these massive stones.

My surgery’s are scary and I deal with a lot of pain daily from the stones and the stent.And for the record, I have NEVER had a stone before! I have given up soda cold turkey and am also dealing with headaches from that. Bill and I are both unemployed and are struggling hard financially. I know God does not give us more than we can handle but I am feeling well beyond overwhelmed and ready for 2010 to be a distant memory. I am hoping and praying for health and new jobs for myself and my family in the new year. It is a very helpless feeling knowing you can’t tend to your health, pay your bills or even provide a Christmas to your children. All I can say is thank God for our wonderful friends who have been able to step in and assist us in having Christmas gifts for the boys. They don’t understand that there is no money and while they don’t long for much, we all want presents under the tree Christmas morning. (I love you, you know who you are! <3)

60 Years and Still Going Strong

kellz1003 — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 12:56:31 +0000

Tomorrow, November 4th 2010, marks the 60th year anniversary of my grandparents. They are both near 80 now and have seen each other through a lifetime of ups and downs, 5 children, 13 grandchildren and 11 great-grand children. They are an example to me and I love them both dearly. My grandfather has fought and beaten cancer as has my grandmother. They are my spiritual rock and usually the ones I turn to when I need love and support. They are happy and still hold hands, which I love and think is so cute. 60 years has been good to them. They may not have the riches of this world, but they have the riches of Christ, a strong support system within the family and the church.

Congratulations to my wonderful grandparents!! This is a huge accomplishment and I love you both. You are a role model to the rest of us.

Kell

My Anniversary

kellz1003 — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:11:47 +0000

Today, October 4th 2010, I celebrated my 7th anniversary with Billy. I will not sit here and pretend that the road to this point has been a smooth one, but the bumps and struggles along the way have made us that much stronger and brought us closer together. 7 years ago today I stood on a dock, at sunset on the St. Johns River and married my bet friend. It was a very small ceremony performed by a good friend and witnessed by several close friends. A year later, we renewed our vows with a formal ceremony for everyone to see. We have had many struggles along the way, and we stay strong together. Even though we just had a separation, we are back together, happy, working on a better life and raising our boys together and enjoying each other and our family, that despite the struggles of this world, are happy and strong in love. We have a beautiful family and wonderful friends. I heard a friend say that in the wake of a powerful storm you find a rainbow…beauty despite the the destruction; which is so true and I feel like you have to experience a few storms to fully appreciate the beauty you have in your life. I feel like God challenges us to show us what beauty we sometimes take for granted.

I love you, Billy. 7 years down, 2 beautiful boys and many more years to come. You are still my best friend and I cherish everyday we have together.

Update

kellz1003 — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 14:45:52 +0000

Well it has been a while since I posted anything. I will say in my defense that I have had my plate full. As some of you know, Bill and I separated for a while over the summer. We are back together now and are working through everything. We are living at a friends house that was empty and are forever grateful to have such wonderful friends.
On another note, I graduated with my bachelors degree in august. I am actively seeking employment and have a family friend assisting me.
Cameron started kindergarten and is doing great. He has been diagnosed with ADHD but is really just hyper and impulsive. He doesn’t really have the attention deficit. He takes a medicine for it and we have seen a marked improvement since he started the medicine. He enjoys school and is doing so well.
Riley is 22 months old now and has hit his terrible 2′s early. He is still a sweetie but has his moments. He is talking up a storm and says all kinds of things. He is sleeping in a big boy bed and doing well.

A Surprising Sight

kellz1003 — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 23:25:00 +0000

So last night my best friend, LaDonna and I went to dinner and then went to get ice cream at Bella Mae’s. Bella Mae’s is a quaint little place and very popular. When we went to leave, we noticed a stretched, white limo pulling into the parking lot. For those of you that are not familiar with Bella Mae;s, it is adorable but not overly fancy. It is a step back in time to an older style ice cream parlor complete with hand dipped ice cream. Anyway, the limo stops directly behind us and basically forces us to sit and watch what happened next. Much to our surprise, the driver got out of the car, unrolled a red carpet and all for a teeny-bopper in a tiara and her pre-teen entourage, complete with redneck paparazzi. We were flabbergasted and laughing hysterically. I guess considering we are in Palatka, we should not really be surprised but some things are still just too ridiculous to ignore.

A Right of Passage

kellz1003 — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 02:07:15 +0000

Cameron is now 5 and while he has spent the night at ‘, he has never had anyone sleep over our house. Tonight, he is having his first sleep over here at our house. His cousin is on his first sleep over away from home. They are close and very cute. They are playing and talking, snacking and watching television. Watching them brings back so many memories. I am glad I am here to see this and that they are having a good time.